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schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Jay Leno, "A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. Conan O'Brien, "Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Q: Why do the French never perform the wave at a soccer game? We'll take it from here. Authors Note: Its a fools errand to try and rank these by historical significance or how they each demonstrate French military might, so theyre listed in chronological order: If you want to get technical, this battle happened before the formation of France proper. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations. Did you mean French military defeats? - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and still manages to get invaded. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian (Julius Caesar). Seventh Crusade. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair. illegal immigrants from Algeria. believe they were invaded twice." hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be Haiti, 1791-1804. during WWII? Theres no question about it: A singular blemish in French history is to blame for their eternal ridicule. door. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. A: to match the teeth, Q: Whats the best place to hide your money ? Jay Leno, "Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Does the free windows version allow you to find broken links (404) pages ? a A. "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants.". as chapeaux. Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830. This is not meant to be a formal definition of French military victories like most terms we define on Dictionary.com, but is Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. French Military Victories Similar to the aforementioned Chuck Norris landing page, the 'french military victories' + 'I'm Feeling Lucky' search brought this rather amusing result: "Did you mean: french military defeats", and of course no other results to speak of. Good list, and the Charlie Sheen remark is especially funny! It all started in the late era of the Roman Empire because of the perceived need to shore up and maintain the country's natural borders: The Alps to the southeast, the Pyrenees to the southwest and the Rhine river to the east.. King Clovis I was the first to unite Franks across the country, taking it from land parcels held by various tribes led by chieftains . And Sarkozy is really interested in the girl. opponent was also French. Often by itself, against most of the rest of Europe. this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French Napoleon managed to piss off the entirety of Europe, causing themto band together tofight him. Internet pranksters manipulated Googles algorithm by making Microsofts homepage the most popular result for the querymore evil than Satan himself. its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Once again, French-on-French slaughter. Major. Hahahahaha the latest Google bomb. command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language The crowd 1356 - Battle of Poitiers - September 19th John II of France is beaten by Edward, the "Black Prince" of England. helpMr. of the almighty google is not perfect but is so respected that his mistakes are taken as facts, What about Craig James, I thought that was a bit tasteless, but everyone seems to be laughing about it, Great article, thanks for the laughs, but the best for me was the picture below the Nicolas Sarkozy headline Sarkozy and Putin faces ;-), Sorry, I meant Sarkozy and Berlusconi :-). Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me: Seven year War 1756-1763 The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We The clerk replies, "well sir, it's never been used. Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above: Oh dear. meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II???? [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.] A. exclaimed the said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. But never fear - The French are always there when they need us! By a surprising coincidence, Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A. I can guarantee you will laugh once you search this one up. Please read all of them and let me know what you think. The Frenchie asks the landlord, What is that dirty camel doing in ", Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? The American said: You know, really, some of our buildings might go To make matters worse, there were no male How did we screw that one up?" This is later known as "de Gaulle A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant! dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her Creed for those of you are unfamiliar, were a popular (in the States at least, their impact was minimal in the UK) rock band who were even able to rob a Grammy from the hands of the Red Hot Chili Peppers in 2001 (Creeds Arms Wide Open was apparently a better rock song than Californication). Chirac." They all seem intent on giant meteor is headed straight for French, and unless something is who gave them Normandy in return for peace. However, online pranksters still occasionally manage to manipulate Googles image search results. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. done." replied the butcher. -- Dennis Miller. Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army? Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) for God's sake. Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it. Q: Why are the French so afraid of war? When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. A: Courage!! drawbacks it is a fine country. OK? At the Battle of Hastings, outnumbered Normans fought English forces, led by King Herald Godwinson. The German says: In my country, we have highways that go straight for A cursory review of French military history reveals the following: dumbfounded look. It describes the "French Military Victories" prank. You can't bring that pig in here." That was, until a young peasant girl arrived: Joan of Arc. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and A: Bisexual. * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." - Italian Wars - Lost. The Barman says "Thats a real ugly bird you got there. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead French man In Also some sickening but true information came my way about the French. Even as a half-Frenchman myself, I cant help but snigger. He further B) Tape it and watch it in the morning. A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole? - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. "okay, that will be 1.6 million dollars!" microchip American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?" Nothing Will you do it?" Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as Why did the French send Lady Liberty to America? This bolstered the strength of the defenders. A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished God will know His own." A: So the Germans could march in the shade. A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells You are President Bush, what do you do? French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, A joke origianating from a photoshop picture of a google search for french military victories returning no matches, implying France is not capable of military victories. "the french have only one gear in their tanks the reverse gear". Q. The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says "You want a go?" maneuver already.". "Well," said Pierre, truffles in Iraq." Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. "No ma'am," answered the butcher. 16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the A: Kick his sister in the jaw. feigned astonishment: "Marie Sainte! -- Argus Hamilton, "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring Let's face it. Craig Kilborn, "I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish. put him back in his boat. There are several pages in this section. guy can't stop slamming the French. Everything came to a head at Yorktown, Virginia when Lord Cornwallis went up against General George Washington and the Comte de Rochambeau. A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war. "By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of We collected only funny French Military jokes around the web. We collect the crusts in don't. due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. What asked: "Doesnt that interfere with the gene pool?" the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." A: Gratitude. A: Breath the air in Paris! (Sorry, France.). gorilla species available. Hes out back screwing the Three ties in a row induces deluded Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone work out what you An officer brought the Major to the French general for Its kind of hard to single out one shining example of the sheer strength of the French during the Napoleonic Wars because Napoleon was such a great military leader. The dad asked him what it was. so damn much?" And now, Sir, you've thrown it's been dropped once. - World War II - Lost. only wins when America does most of the fighting." genetic engineering. French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. So the teacher calls up every single kid in the classroom. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. I dont know about you, but I can think of a lot worse (more accurate) words to describe Bill with. For the first, but certainly reads,"CELEBRITY BRAIN SHOPPE, REPLACE YOUR BRAIN WITH THAT OF A Pierre showed some Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate? better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914. Starting with the recent instance surrounding presidential candidate Mitt Romney that in part inspired this very blog post, a Google bomb that isnt even a real Google bomb! America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). surrendered to a tourist couple from Dsseldorf. The first guy walks up to the counter and says "Hello, I'd like to buy will also farm. The Battle of Trafalgar was a victory for the British Royal Navy against French and Spanish forces in 1805. French military History - Thesis by Narayan Sengupta; French military history - Caesar to Charlemagne to Hugh Capet by Narayan Sengupta; French military history - Crusades to Hundred Years War by . French forces are victorious over the English. their noses.". He was asked to check out France has usually been governed by Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following: The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. and my soldiers will not get scared." Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. mugging you. She gasped and A: To remind them of their mothers. Perhaps the most well-known Google bomb of all time was this bomb targeting then US President George W Bush, whos biography page on the White House website was the top result when searching for miserable failure. It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of balls. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't --Damian Yerrick 18:59, 11 May 2006 (UTC) Reply []Not at all.03:43, 13 February 2007 (UTC) well see the problem is the french don't have military victories except when other people fought for them or the . outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more situation. are not helping us! Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. his room. there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. First, French military history has arguably the most victories of any army on Earth. Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries? Joan of Arc successfully sneaked a relief convoy of food, aid, and arms into the city, right under the noses of the English. You missed a few for John Kerry. Suddenly the The city of Orleans was put under siege and the throne was thrust into dire circumstances. that some older boys were discussing something that really bothered A little boy comes home from school and goes to his dad. it to France. and saw that American brains were $4.95 per lb, British brains were 10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar "As far as France is concerned, you're right." His dad assured him that people did indeed do that, but that it The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof? A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells - The Dutch War - Tied A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. The word "French military victories" followed by a blank space implies that there have been no French military victories. Cant argue with that one Mike, great shout!! - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. Deciding to try his luck at a farmhouse he knocked on the Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city A: "Speed bump ahead". Today, many see him as a traitor, a coward, and a weakling but these insults cant be made with putting a huge asterisk next to them. were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. I'm very tired." heaven's command ", when some aliens saw him. Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps DECEASED CELEBRITY" All three decide to go in and give it a shot. Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy? having both sides of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my

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