I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . The follow up is what took it from possible anxiety issue on overdrive to controlling husband for me. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. Counseling perhaps. If your job is like mine, youll be standing all day training people on new products and campaigns and be totally exhausted at the end of the day. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. You just have to stop a lot--especially if you EBF. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. I don't think it won't be that bad though. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Ive only been to Vegas twice. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. And plenty of men there without their wives. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). You really, really have no basis for this. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. Yeah, like MakeThings Im picturing a lot of Mmmmm. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. Sounds great. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. And I do like some gambling. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. In Amish country. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. The biggest crime Ive personally witnessed is the outrageous price of food. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. Hes not Master of the House. Yes!! That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. THANK you. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. Im not so sure its abuse, to be honest. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). I think. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. Not for me. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? Same. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. Honestly, things could happen anywhere, so his questioning that the trip is in Vegas sounds like a cover. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. Sometimes I am super jealous because he gets to go to some cool places (Tokyo, London), but I would never try to get him not to go. Dont answer the phone? A Group Owner is a member that has initiated the creation of a group to connect with other members to share their journey through the same pregnancy & baby stages. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. Also have casinos on boats. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. Whats wrong with disembark? Food! Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. Even the others theyre married to. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Unless youre her son. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. Its not a geographic nexus of evil or on a Hellmouth or anything, cmon! My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Wow. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . ;). You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. My grandmother pays for the trip. That hes asked several people for their opinion, and said opinions are I wouldnt let my spouse go to Vegas without me! I think this is a valid suspicion. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. Yes, this. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Vegas does business trips right. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Its just unacceptable. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. All rights reserved. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. My mom too! Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. We arent gamblers either. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. You could rent a car, though, and see lots of great places Hoover Dam, Boulder City, Red Rock Canyon, drive around Lake Mead, drive through Death Valley, go to Scottys Castle, just drive down to Jean and Primm and back for the heck of it (we did that several times when we lived there), Mt. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Also she is sole provider for family? Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. Echoing this. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Yup, wholeheartedly agree. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Its not really a fun place to go for work. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. We live a block away from a grocery store. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. And hiking! We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). I have a friend who doesnt drink, gamble, or smoke and Vegas is one of her favorite vacation places. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. You dont deserve to be treated that way. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. He doesnt have friends. Nail on head, right here. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. Spend the whole day 10+ hours (for me) at the Bath House in Mandalay Bay. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). Dont! I agree. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. Contributors control their own work and . Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. I agree. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. I go out of state to continuing education conferences, I dont know, once or twice a year. Sin City. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. There was a recent one with the same problem! Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. Food! If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. My *70 year-old* cousins house. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. This seems to be a common pattern, though of course not a certainty. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Its a very highly policed city. I dont think thats something you really need to dive into OP (since thats not the real issue here), but I thought Id mention it to say that youre not the one thats offbase here. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. Life is short. Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. Not sure which update youre looking atshe says she meant wouldnt in that sentence, which means exactly what Coffee Lover is saying. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice.
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husband doesn t want to go on family vacation
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