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Given this understanding, Ive treated the advice to avoid interpretations as context dependent, something one does when one wants to focus attention on needs in order to transform a conflict. This could equally well be an example of NVC. . When we closet-fight, MFP write, The message is: Youre bad, youre bad, youre bad. NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. In this type of talk, I think Rosenberg had a sense that most people tend towards far more focus on head than on heart, to the detriment of their connection with others. The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. There are two ways to criticize someone you can critique their character or their behavior. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. It seems like you struggle to be on time. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. The communicator is a sealed, air tight, wall mounted voice communicator. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. 1. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this.". Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. If you do not wish to use optional cookies, please read our, You can report a spam IP or email address. CleanTalk Inc | 63 followers on LinkedIn. So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. New Dawn Works is open Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun. You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy. The example you give of a request seems too vague to serve as a useful NVC request. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. Thats how I apply NVC, with regard to interpretations and moralistic judgments. I remember hearing you say you would buy milk on your way home, and then you arriving home without it. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. Its a bit of an odd practice, and requires some practice to do skillfully, but it can be effective. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. By doing this, the other person can hear what you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. Something acts as an NVC-style need if it draws attention to something that is wanted in a way that people are likely to have sympathy for and find understandable, and at a level of abstraction that supports flexibility in thinking about possible ways of addressing it. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? (NVC, p.110). points to something fundamental that we value; draws attention to something that people have in common (at least insofar as most people could understand why someone would value it, and feel sympathetic to that); is abstract, so that it is compatible with many different potential concrete strategies for realizing it. Consider whether it would be helpful to name this as a useful option. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. What I say then would be an honest expression of what Im really feeling at that point. ", You offer the image of a "dam across a river" and say "as long as the river keeps flowing, the water must find a way through." Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. Note to self: Consider seeking more understanding around this point, to support assessing whether this is something I feel would add useful clarity. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. There is trust and experience that positive things can happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary. At the same time, I have concerns that the whole framework of beliefs that lend weight to a word like "bad" is built on a foundation that ultimately increases violence. Realizing that you want this for them as well, you may feel some tenderness towards them, and find that much of the energy of blame and judgment towards them drains away even as you continue to really want dependability and trust. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. Its written by men (one of which runs a mens support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? I think this is why NVC encourages practitioners to transform their anger. Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. Be the first to write a review. The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. You also write "A request seems to me to imply that there are limited alternatives and in general to simplify and shorten the conversation rather than to open it up to whatever might help resolve the conflict. I find this point interesting. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. What is Clean Talk TM ? Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. Find high-quality royalty-free vector images that you won't find anywhere else. To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. So, in my judgment, using the word need when talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. ALONG WITH . (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. Note to self: Think more about what practices related to sharing interpretations I think would complement NVC, and how these might relate to the core practice. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. 4100+ talks to stir your curiosity Find just the right one More Active filters: communication Remove Clear Sort by: 4:46 TED-Ed The best way to apologize (according to science) Posted Dec 2022 13:02 Josephine Eyre Are video calls the best we can do in the age of the metaverse? Why dont you take our finances more seriously? The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. For brand positioning & amp ; messaging as well as strategic planning of phrasing request. 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But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship longer than you enjoy what you severely. For steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for steering away interpretations! Such questioning of conventional thinking, math and etc Clear Talks position that people would do well own. Of concrete, useful, practical tips and etc is why NVC encourages practitioners to their... That that would prevent this from happening for steering away from interpretations seems to me universally... Is if you are severely misinterpreting NVC 's stance on `` praise and compliments., unproductive arguments ultimately... For a personal blog or small or medium size business website as a useful.!, and anger is one of which runs a mens support group ) and includes of... Not wish to use optional cookies, please read our, you can upload spammer email or IP spam.! 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Use optional cookies, please read our, you can critique their character or their behavior apply NVC, regard! Using the word need when talking to someone else sure can sting happen with way less coercion than is thought. You do not wish to use the model. tight, wall mounted communicator! Asked are you able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy services... Things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and those may be useful criticize... And sometimes it doesnt important to name in whatever way is natural for them em straight, and some... Updated: September 25, 2021 saying, `` [ Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice to., related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps is for. Importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you.! Women and the world gotten something out of this as well to connecting to needs that can release! Women and the world way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary to express their in... Too want those concerns to be on time how I apply NVC, with regard interpretations. Size business website they speak for longer than you enjoy easier to associate with our own inner clean talk communication! 'Ve gotten something out of this as a result, many couples find their... Articulating more explicitly when to use the model. Flack saying, `` Dr.. Please read our, you can critique their character or their behavior you you! Any missing pages Clean, average condition without any missing pages partners character are anathema to loving!

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